Why Relationships Fail

Romantic relationships are complex and multifaceted, and there is no one-size-fits-all explanation for why they fail. However, there are several common reasons why they do. These reasons range from communication issues to differences in goals and values. I will explore some of the most common reasons why romantic relationships fail, making a specific emphasis on money and finances. As Business Insider reported, “more than half (54%) of Americans say money is the biggest relationship stressor. Miscommunication over finances is a primary reason relationships — and marriages — fail.”

Lack of Communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and without it, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise. When communication breaks down, partners can feel misunderstood, ignored, or neglected. Over time, this can lead to resentment, which can be difficult to overcome.

Communication is not just about talking. It's also about listening, understanding, and being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that is respectful and honest. When partners are unable to communicate effectively, they may start to withdraw from each other, which can ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship.

Different Goals and Values

Another common reason why romantic relationships fail is when partners have different goals and values. For example, one partner may prioritize their career, while the other may prioritize their family. This can lead to conflicts over how time and resources are spent. Similarly, partners may have different values when it comes to things like money, religion, or politics. These differences can be difficult to reconcile, and may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

Lack of Trust

Trust is essential in any healthy relationship. When partners are unable to trust each other, it can be difficult to build a strong, lasting bond. Lack of trust can stem from a variety of issues, such as infidelity, dishonesty, or broken promises. Once trust has been broken, it can be difficult to repair, and partners may find it difficult to move forward. This can be compounded when there is a lack of trust about finances and the spending and allocation of those funds.

Incompatibility

Sometimes, romantic relationships fail simply because partners are not compatible. This can manifest in a variety of ways, such as differences in interests, hobbies, or lifestyles. For example, one partner may enjoy spending their weekends hiking and camping, while the other may prefer staying home and watching movies. While differences in interests are not necessarily a dealbreaker, they can make it difficult to build a strong connection over time.

Poor Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how partners handle conflict can make all the difference. When partners are unable to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, they may become stuck in a cycle of blame, defensiveness, and criticism. This can lead to resentment and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship. It's important for partners to learn how to communicate effectively and find ways to work through disagreements in a way that is respectful and productive.

You can see that disagreements over money can manifest in a few of these areas.

These disagreements can range from small differences in spending habits to major arguments about financial goals and priorities. Let’s explore why disagreements about money can lead to relationship failure and what steps couples can take to avoid financial conflicts.

Different Financial Goals and Priorities

One of the most common reasons why couples disagree about money is because they have different financial goals and priorities. One partner may prioritize saving for a down payment on a house, while the other may want to spend more money on travel or hobbies. These differences in financial goals can create tension and conflict, as each partner may feel like their priorities are not being heard or respected.

Similarly, partners may have different views on how money should be spent. One partner may prefer to live a frugal lifestyle and save as much money as possible, while the other may be more comfortable spending money on luxury items or experiences. These differences in spending habits can create tension and conflict, especially if one partner feels like their financial security is being threatened by the other's spending habits.

Lack of Communication and Transparency

Another common reason why couples disagree about money is a lack of communication and transparency. Financial conversations can be uncomfortable, and many couples avoid them altogether. However, when partners are not open and honest about their financial situation, it can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements. One partner may be carrying significant debt or have a poor credit score, but may not feel comfortable sharing this information with their partner. This lack of transparency can create tension and distrust, as the other partner may feel like they are being kept in the dark about important financial information.

Mismatched Income Levels

Income disparities can also be a source of financial conflict in relationships. When partners have significantly different incomes, it can create tension and disagreement over how money should be spent. One partner may feel like they are shouldering more of the financial burden because they make more money, while the other may feel like they are being left out of financial decisions because they make less. Similarly, differences in income can create disparities in financial independence. One partner may feel like they have more financial freedom because they make more money, while the other may feel like they are dependent on their partner for financial support. These disparities can create resentment and conflict, especially if one partner feels like their financial needs are not being met.

How to Avoid Financial Conflicts in Relationships

To avoid financial conflicts in relationships, I believe (although I’m no relationship expert) it's important for partners to have open and honest conversations about their financial goals and priorities. This may involve creating a budget together and agreeing on how money should be allocated for different expenses.

It's also important for partners to be transparent about their financial situation. This will likely involve sharing information about debt, income, and credit scores, even if it feels uncomfortable. By being open and honest with each other, partners can build trust and avoid misunderstandings.

Finally, it's important for partners to find ways to compromise and work together when it comes to finances. This may entail finding creative solutions to financial disagreements, such as setting up separate accounts for discretionary spending or finding ways to save money on shared expenses.

Edward Jones recently wrote an article outlining the use of a co-habitation checklist to help ensure that both parties are on the same page prior to taking the next step.

“A cohabitation agreement is a legally binding document between two parties in a common-law relationship. The agreement typically outlines what each person is entitled to receive and obligated to do in the event of a relationship breakdown. Note that a cohabitation agreement is like a prenuptial agreement (often called a 'prenup'), with a key difference being that a prenup is for couples entering into a marriage, whereas a cohabitation agreement is between unmarried, common-law couples.”

Elements of a cohabitation agreement

Although the terms included in a cohabitation agreement can vary greatly from one couple to the next, some of the more common elements of a cohabitation include:

• Rent or mortgage: If renting, should both names be on the lease, and who has the right to keep renting the unit after separating? If buying, who keeps the house, and who must move out?

• Bills and expenses: Who is responsible for paying specific bills, utilities, memberships, etc.?

• Pets: Who keeps any pets acquired either before or during the relationship?

• Existing personal property: How will each person deal with any property previously owned and brought into the relationship, such as furniture or vehicles?

• Property purchased together: How will the jointly-owned property be separated, and who gets to keep specific pieces of the property after separating?

• Existing debt: How will each person deal with any outstanding debt previously incurred, such as credit cards or lines of credit?

• Debts acquired together: Who assumes responsibility for jointly-acquired debt after separating?

Relationships are an extremely rewarding endeavor to pursue, something that can provide us with a sense of fulfillment, but it actually impacts our health. “ Research suggests that a happy romantic relationship may lower the risks of getting Alzheimer’s disease, developing diabetes, dying after heart bypass surgery, or even suffering pain and fatigue from breast cancer treatment. An analysis of the marital status and longevity of 280,000 people 45 and older found that women who have never married have a 60 percent higher risk of dying of cardiovascular disease than their married counterparts; for men, it’s 32 percent.” 1 Don’t let the topic of money and finances impede your ability to create and maintain a fruitful relationship with your loved one and live a long meaningful life.